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How to tell someone you're struggling

The hardest part is almost never the feeling itself. It's finding the first sentence — and not knowing what happens after you say it. Pick what's going on and who you want to tell, and get words you can actually use.

If you need help right now

You don't have to work out what to say first. You can call or text any of these as you are:

Some symptoms need urgent medical care, not a script: seeing or hearing things others don't, believing things that others find strange or frightening, severe confusion, feeling suspicious of people around you, or going several nights without sleeping and not feeling tired. These can be signs of postpartum psychosis, which is treatable but is a medical emergency — go to an emergency department or call emergency services.

Step 1

What's been going on?

Tick everything that fits. Nothing here is saved or sent anywhere.

Step 2

Who do you want to tell?

You can come back and do this again for someone else.

Your words

This tool doesn't diagnose anything and isn't a substitute for care. It only helps you put words to something that is hard to say. What you're describing deserves a proper conversation with a doctor, midwife or mental health professional who can actually assess it — this is just the doorway.

Where to get real support

These are free. None of them require you to have the right words ready first.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US)

Call or text 988, 24/7. For when things feel unsafe or unbearable right now.

National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (US)

Call or text 1-833-852-6262 (1-833-TLC-MAMA). Free, confidential, 24/7, in English and Spanish, staffed by counsellors who specialise in exactly this.

Crisis Text Line

Text HOME to 741741 if talking out loud feels like too much.

Postpartum Support International

Call or text 1-800-944-4773 (Spanish text: 971-203-7773). This is a support and referral line rather than a crisis line — you leave a message and a trained volunteer calls back. They also run more than 50 free online support groups and a directory of specialists at postpartum.net.

Anywhere else in the world

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country.

The things that stop people asking

Will they take my baby away if I tell them?

This fear is the single most common reason mothers stay quiet, and it keeps people unwell for months longer than they need to be. Postpartum depression and anxiety are extremely common and are treated as health conditions — the purpose of the conversation is to get you treatment. Clinicians who work in this area also understand the difference between unwanted thoughts that horrify you and any intention to act. If you want to know how what you say is handled where you live, you're allowed to ask that first, before you say anything else — it's a reasonable question and a good clinician won't mind it.

Are scary thoughts about the baby normal?

Unwanted, distressing thoughts about something bad happening to your baby are reported by a very large proportion of new parents, and they are recognised as a feature of postpartum anxiety and OCD rather than a sign you are dangerous. The distress you feel about them is precisely the point — it is the opposite of wanting them. They're also very treatable, which is the part almost nobody knows.

What if I'm making a fuss over nothing?

You don't have to be at rock bottom to deserve help, and nobody is going to be annoyed with you for raising it. If it turns out to be the lighter end of things, that's a good outcome, not a wasted appointment.

What if I can't say it out loud?

Then don't. Print this page, or write it in a message, or hand your phone over with it open. Plenty of people get their first conversation started by showing someone a piece of paper.

Isn't this just normal new-mum tiredness?

Sometimes it is. Baby blues are common in the first couple of weeks and usually lift on their own. What's worth taking seriously is when it persists beyond that, gets heavier rather than lighter, or starts affecting how you function day to day. That's a reason to have it looked at rather than to wait and see.